Don't grow your fear, build your faith.

Let it be known: I am not a fan of rejection.

I'm not sure what it is, but the fear of failing makes me cringe more than being in a cadaver lab when I was in Anatomy in high school.  It's like rejection is lying there on the table--silent, dead, always in the back of your mind--never knowing when or where it may occur. It may not smell like formaldehyde, but it's real, nevertheless.

I'll admit it-- my life has been pretty easy. Not always a piece of cake, but pretty sugar coated most of the time. Maybe that's why I figured things would be the same after I graduated college. I knew my future wouldn't be handed to me on a silver platter, but I was at least expecting a Dixie plate with a side of vanilla ice cream.

These past few weeks have given me a huge reality check. I have been applying to jobs relentlessly (something I should have been doing close to a year ago) and at the start, I was extremely optimistic. Too sure, too confident, I soon found out.  I haven't gotten the feedback I was hoping for, and last night it all came to a head. I had, as usual, a massive panic attack at the sheer thought of one more "I'm sorry, but we have found someone whose credentials better suit our needs," email.

Shit. It found me. It sprang back to life and is coming to haunt me. It's the monster in my closet, and the self-doubt in my head. Its rejection.

I'm not sure why it hit me like a ton of bricks, but reading those words made me want to crawl into a hole and banish technology (or at least email) forever. If they can't email me, they can't reject me. That seems ridiculous now, but trust me, it seemed genius to me last night.

Looking back, I realized I really always have been scared of failing. When I was in gymnastics as a little girl, I never ever wanted to practice the balance beam in fear of falling off. When I played pee-wee baseball, I hated my coach because he'd scream at me whenever I missed a ball. In high school I rarely dated in fear that I'd fall helplessly head-over-heels then get my heart smashed into pieces. Even though that happened,
anyway.


While reading in my room last night I came across this quote and fell in love, as usual:

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.  ~Mary Manin Morrissey

It's amazing how a simple quote can open up a new way of thinking. It's true, what will I ever gain from being scared? Will it help me get a job? Learn a new skill? Fall in love? No, no, and no. Actually, I couldn't think of one thing it was good for, expect for making me want to prove to myself that I'll succeed even more. I checked my figurative closet to find no monster, and didn't dream of a giant rejection email chasing me.

Lesson Learned: Stop. Breathe. Repeat. The world isn't ending because one company isn't smart enough to see how great you are. The more you fear rejection the less you realize your potential. You won't always be #1, or get what you want (or deserve). Instead of building walls, build confidence, and know rejection doesn't mean failure.

2345